The First Year Of Marriage Was Tough
This is the first time I would be writing or talking about this in public. It is in fact, the first time I would be unpacking how I truly felt back then. This feels like writing to the girl I was then to let her know we found a way.
I could start this article by telling you how my love story began in detail, but that would be repeating a beautiful story I have said countless times to everyone.
Just incase you don’t know the story, here’s a summary- met him at the office, found out we share the same birth date, month, and year, became seatmates, then friends, discovered our hearts were inseparable, started dating after a year of being best friends, got married after three years of dating and would be celebrating our third year in marraige in a couple of months.
Marriage was one step I didn’t think I was going to take after I turned 27 and was tired of the instability of love relationships. I didn’t think I was going to say yes to forever with anyone.
However, when my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) got serious and he started talking about marriage, I had no doubt I was ready to go all in. He fit into the puzzle of my life perfectly and the decision was a no-brainer. Even though in all honesty, I told him I wasn’t ready the first time he mentioned it and it wasn’t because of him. It was me who was not sure I was ready for people. Wedding shenanigans involve people and that can be overwhelming. I think that is why, to date, I feel like the whole ceremony (before and after) is a blur. How did we manage a lot of people all at once?
Anyways, I digress…
When I thought about going all in, I didn’t think about marriage persay. I just thought more about doing life officially with this boy I liked. I pictured the future and he was right there, giggling and holding hands with me, praying together, working and building businesses together, and that looked so good. Marriage in the way society painted it, wasn't one I wanted to worry about because then I would get too scared that I might fail. But a life with the man I really liked (which is in fact, marriage) was all I placed as my view. I said Yes to life with him and we sealed this on our 30th birthday.
Alright, now we are married. The marriage everyone talks about. What next? Having kids was not in the picture for that first year because we needed to know what the f**k we were doing besides just loving up on each other.
I remember thinking to myself after we returned from the honeymoon “Okay, what do we do now?”. This was where the first question that taunted me for the longest time came to mind. How do I “wife”? What does being a “wife” mean for real? How do I become a wife?
See, to a large extent, I knew how to be my man’s lover and best friend. I knew how to support him. I knew how to be his crazy-ass friend that farts in the room just because I can. I knew how to make his favorite meal. I knew how to party hard with him. I knew how to do a lot of unspeakable things your mind is imagining right now.
I knew these things to a large extent because even before we got married, we were inseparable. We spent 70% of our lives together, outside and in each other spaces so I kinda had a fairly good idea. I say fairly because learning about each other is a lifelong journey that never ends. There’s still more I am learning and will learn about him.
I knew how to do all of these things but the one thing I didn’t know how to do was being a “wife”. There had to be a grand pattern or way to be a wife. I assumed I had to begin to dress a certain way, figuratively kiss the floor he walks on, be the first person he sees before bed and open his eyes to, cook, and make a buffet for him every night and day whether I am dying or not, call him King or a grand name, just be a wife according to societal standard.
It was very tough for me to navigate and I remember talking to a friend who was already married and asking questions about what I needed to do. I also discussed this with my husband and for the longest time, I felt everything I did was just wrong.
I wanted to be myself wholeheartedly but I always felt people would judge me for that and say I wasn’t “wife” enough. It affected my mood on some days because I was very clueless and would cry when I felt like I had done something wrong.
If I missed the time for breakfast or dinner, I would feel terrible. If I sleep too much I’ll feel bad. If we argue, I’ll just assume it’s me not wifeing the right way. I was so frustrated. No one was even putting this pressure on me. It was me trying to fit into a bubble I assumed was the standard for society.
The Mindshift
I can’t remember when the mind shift eventually happened or what happened that healed that part of me. I just know that somewhere in the later part of that first year, I began to lift the burden off my shoulders and started to see things differently. And it eventually clicked.
All I needed was ME. Precious. I needed to be myself.
It clicked that my husband didn’t propose to a different girl. He asked ME, his best friend of 3 years to be his wife. He saw who I was with all my flaws and weirdness and thought “This is the girl I want to walk down the aisle with”. Not someone who would become a total stranger when they got married.
He already knows I suffer from insomnia sometimes and can stay all night scrolling social media instead of trying to sleep. He knows I can be an ass and be an annoying person sometimes. He knows my fart stinks so bad sometimes that he has to leave the room so he wouldn’t die of suffocation. He knows I hate mayonnaise and butter spread (that he loves), except when toasted. He knows I love to wear clothes that show my beautiful dark skin and legs and sometimes thighs. He knows I love to dance at parties whether I have a dance partner or not. He knows I was struggling to get the right pronunciation for words starting with A and H for the longest time. He knows I get shy around people sometimes and that can make me curl up in my little shell. He knows I am an annoying crybaby and can be emotionally dramatic.
He knew all this and thought “Hmmm, this is who I want to do forever with” and that was all I needed to wife this new life. Me. I just needed to be free and be me. Dress how I love to dress. Wake up when I wake up. Cook when I am well and fit. Be me in all my good and bad self.
How easy and simple that was!
I think I knew it all along but just couldn’t come to terms with it. You mean all I needed to be was still that girl? I know this is not the life for everyone. Heck, I know this is not the traditional standard a lot of women see and get to live in marriage.
I see women get married and change to become a shadow of themselves. Loose single friends. Change their looks. Change their life and attitude. Try to do everything in the home whether it is comfortable or not. I see it and this is what brought fear that made me so uneasy at the beginning.
I’ll end this by telling you, that there is no rule book to this marriage journey. Some books can serve as a guide to the basics, but there is none for the life you will build together as a couple. None. Nobody will understand your life better than the both of you.
No advice can work perfectly except tailored to the knowledge you have of your partner. We attended marriage counseling. My mother gave us a long speech after the wedding. The pastor shared some tips on the altar during the wedding. All of that. If I had applied them without knowing who my partner was and tailoring them to fit his personality, I would have been in a rot.
I hope you never lose sight of yourself. You are all you’ve got at the end of the day. The world would adjust and love you for you.
If you liked this, I hope you remember to clap!
