Why I Struggled With Romantic Relationships Even In My 20s
At 26, my heart had been broken three times back to back and I was tired. Very tired. It felt like I was going in circles. I had been crying for a few hours before I picked up my phone to write this.
Somehow, just like most articles I have written after this, I left it to rot in my drafts. I tried to publish it at different times but never did.
Today, the 15th of August, 2023, I am attempting to finish the article and finally share it. I am sharing for that 26-year-old girl, who just like me, had tried to carry her heart on her sleeve, give her all to relationships, and got nothing but heartache in return and she’s wondering what she might be doing all wrong.
Hey girl, this is for you!
Romantic relationships can be work. Scratch that, it is work. But the beautiful kind when you get it right.
I still struggle with the fact that longevity is THE key sign a lot of people use to measure great relationships but that is a topic for another day. For me, innate joy, peace, love, compassion, and calmness within and after a relationship ends are the signs of a beautiful one.
If I found all of that in my 20s, maybe I wouldn’t have started writing this article and publishing it today. I didn’t at that time and I know there’s someone seeking answers so let’s jump right into it.
*note that this article isn’t to drag your exes but to make you see the mistakes you have been making and perhaps, still making.
Why I Struggled With Romantic Relationships In My 20s
A Stranger To Self
I can tell you boldly now that the only reason why I stayed long in relationships that were not right for me is that I had no sense of self. I was living in the shadow of what other people thought about me. I loved me because they loved me and when issues came up, I hated me because they didn’t really like me at that moment either.
There are tons of articles about self-love nowadays, that the entire concept is becoming lost and cliche. It isn’t cliche. It is the best gift you can give to yourself ever. It is the one thing nobody can take away from you and cannot be easily broken except if you let it. Until you begin to see yourself for who you truly are, the beauty of your mind, soul, body, and existence, your heart would forever be a toy in the wrong hands.
Insecurity
Relationship insecurity means you’re unsure and unconfident about your relationship. It’s a deep belief that you just aren’t good enough for your partner, that you don’t deserve love or one of many other limiting beliefs that cause you to feel anxious. — Tony Robbins
This is perfectly lined up just after the topic of self-love. Being insecure is like living with your worst enemy inside of yourself. It is a dirty stupid bitch that can wake you up at night analyzing what is important and what isn’t. It is the one devil every overthinker deals with. Heck, it leads to overthinking.
Being insecured in myself and my relationships tore walls down. This isn’t the fault of the men I dated, it was all mine. I was picky about every little step I couldn’t interpret. I frequently asked myself questions like “Why did he stop by the restaurant to grab food on his way home? Why did he go out without telling me I was pretty?”. If I was secured in myself, I would need nobody to tell me how pretty I was before realise I truly am pretty. If I was secure, I would spend less time worrying about the possibility that my life would crumble if they ever left me. If I was secure, I would let them be human without expecting them to be any less or better.
No Outlined Needs
“What do I truly need in a romantic relationship?”
A lot of us do not realize how important this question is till we step into a relationship and figure out that something isn't just right. I am “a lot of us”. Me, myself, and I.
I didn’t know the amount of work relationships required or the need for what I wanted within this romantic box until my first relationship started dwindling. I didn’t have any needs aside wanting to be loved and seen. I felt like I had all I needed within myself and all the partner needed to do was just be a boyfriend so butterflies can exist in my stomach too.
Just like me, you don’t have to wait to figure out the missing link when you can plan for this ahead of time. You might not find all you need in a relationship, but please do not compromise on the core needs. If you need companionship, care, a supportive partner, a prayerful partner, a principled partner, or a hardworking-to-the-core partner, think about this and know it. You can choose to write them down in your journal or not, just know it.
Fear Of The Little and Big Conversations
When I get passionate about anything, especially my work, I talk. I talk a lot. I enjoy expressing myself through words. You would think this would extend to every part of my life, but no, romantic relationships were where I drew the line. Not done intentionally. This was borne out of fear (insecurities) of talking and my partner walking away.
So I shrunk. I shrunk every time it got to the part of truly expressing how I felt about issues that were worth discussing. I would try to make excuses, over think so much that if I ever opened my mouth to talk, I would say almost all the wrong things, and use words to pamper my emotions.
Looking back now, I wish I spoke up about the little and big issues so that if things were going to end, they would end or be fixed quickly. Never ignore talking about things you know should be brought to the table. Do not shrink out of fear of anyone leaving you. Your happiness and clarity at all times should be your priority.
Ignoring My Place
“Listen, Precious, your opinions are as good as his own in the relationship.”
Oh, how I wish I had someone drumming this into my ears and even throwing in a dirty slap for maximum effect. I will cry but I will fix up my shit. Whether you accept it or not, a dirty slap sometimes is better than the pain of a heartbreak.
Maybe because I grew up seeing my dad as “the head of the head of the family”, I felt all of my partners' opinions took top priority and mine had to come second. Whether I felt the next decision we were about to take was going to drive us into a ditch, I would be quiet because he knows better, and talking would only make him want to leave.
My seat at the table is just as important as his and if I knew this, I would have spoken up. So speak up. Do not be quiet for fear of a heartbreak that might eventually come. Believe that you are smart and capable of thinking through situations and believe, in the words of Layi Wasabi, your opinion counts like mad.
So I’ll end this by begging you to please take my words seriously and not be like me that attempted suicide twice, lost weight, stayed in a dark room for weeks, cried in public, and is today, still struggling with insecurities sometimes because of people that broke my heart.
I am 31 today, happily married to a man that is giving me the space to shine like the star girl that I am within our home.
So girl, let’s heal together!
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